Hey You,
I thought I'd check in.
I'm feeling all kinds of off right now.
I had a venue to vend at today but the smoke from nearby fires breezed on through so I had to opt out. My sensitive ass lungs couldn't take it.
Things are racking up in my brain. At one time I would reach out and make connections. But things have changed. I feel like an octopus thats had its limb ripped off. I need to retreat to heal. But is it healing or hiding? Or both?
I'm having a hard time trusting. I feel guilty at times. No one deserves this intense distrust but those who have caused it, but in that distrust, I also lost trust in myself. I lost trust in my judgement.
Rationally I know it's not on me. But emotionally I feel like I loved the wrong people and because of that several people I love got hurt. So, it feels like it's on me.
I've learned a lot from it all. And I'm trying to not let the lens of this hurt cloud my vision of other people, But it's difficult. I wondering if having a big heart always makes me a bit of an idiot? I guess my knew tool out of all this is discernment. When people say they love you and want to help you it's important to ask yourself why? Not if your worthy! You're always worthy of love. Question what loves is to them, watch how they treat the people they dislike, whatch how they treat the people they love, watch how quickly they are to hate someone, contemplate their reasons for hating someone, and then proceed with caution and boundaries.
You probably know this. I thought I did. But when your searching for a place to belong, falling into these traps is easy.
I've experienced a lot of life. It's been incredibly bitter, and it's been incredibly sweet. And while I am tired, I am super grateful that I have the wearwithall to always ask why and learn from hindsight. I'm also grateful that I continue to learn.
Sometimes though, that shit hurts like a motherfucker.
Thinking of you always.
All my love,
Amber
I thought I'd check in.
I'm feeling all kinds of off right now.
I had a venue to vend at today but the smoke from nearby fires breezed on through so I had to opt out. My sensitive ass lungs couldn't take it.
Things are racking up in my brain. At one time I would reach out and make connections. But things have changed. I feel like an octopus thats had its limb ripped off. I need to retreat to heal. But is it healing or hiding? Or both?
I'm having a hard time trusting. I feel guilty at times. No one deserves this intense distrust but those who have caused it, but in that distrust, I also lost trust in myself. I lost trust in my judgement.
Rationally I know it's not on me. But emotionally I feel like I loved the wrong people and because of that several people I love got hurt. So, it feels like it's on me.
I've learned a lot from it all. And I'm trying to not let the lens of this hurt cloud my vision of other people, But it's difficult. I wondering if having a big heart always makes me a bit of an idiot? I guess my knew tool out of all this is discernment. When people say they love you and want to help you it's important to ask yourself why? Not if your worthy! You're always worthy of love. Question what loves is to them, watch how they treat the people they dislike, whatch how they treat the people they love, watch how quickly they are to hate someone, contemplate their reasons for hating someone, and then proceed with caution and boundaries.
You probably know this. I thought I did. But when your searching for a place to belong, falling into these traps is easy.
I've experienced a lot of life. It's been incredibly bitter, and it's been incredibly sweet. And while I am tired, I am super grateful that I have the wearwithall to always ask why and learn from hindsight. I'm also grateful that I continue to learn.
Sometimes though, that shit hurts like a motherfucker.
Thinking of you always.
All my love,
Amber
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