Hey You,
I had a moment the other day where I slipped into a moment of pure angst. Like the bitterest angst, that ever did angst. Lol.
Then I fell into thoughts of escapism and then shame hits for going through this familiar process.
The crazy shit is, is that when this happens I'm not physically doing anything other than maybe driving.
This is something that I learned in my most formative years. Except back then, I carried out the escapisim in real life. It kept me safe and now it no longer serves me.
As a kid it was a necessity, as a young adult it was my chaos, and now that I see it's processes I can observe it without acting on it.
Unfortunately, I'm not in control of my nervous system. This programming was laid down and now when my brain feels stress, it ever so slightly will make subtle suggestions in an attempt to keep me safe. It goes back to what is familiar, not necessarily helpful. And through all of this I have to remain gentle with myself, which is fucking easier said, than done.
My nervous system is like observing a kid having a complete meltdown over false threats. I have to observe and show examples of support in my body. Like, "Yes, I see you wanna run, and chase that dopamine filled thrill because you're scared. But hey your shoulder is feeling comfortable. Let's lean completely into that sensation." Rinse and fucking repeat. Night and day sometimes.
What's the secret to interrupting the familiar process?
It's all in the observation; knowing myself; asking myself the hard questions; accepting my shadow, and then loving it. After all the little girl who watched and followed suit, just wanted to belong, to be loved unconditionally, to feel safe, to be heard, and seen. I can't fault her for that. I can love her though.
So, now that I've built in healthy coping mechanisms, and I keep building that skill of observing, I don't run. I stand still. I notice where I'm holding stress in my body and just bring attention to it. I bring awareness to fully supported body parts and then my brain follows suit.
Can I control the thoughts. No. Can I control my actions. Yes.
Anyway, I hope you get to know yourself more and more. It's so freeing.
All my love,
Amber
Comments
Post a Comment