Hey You,
How are you? I miss you so I thought I'd write.
I'm under the weather right now. It's hard to be under the weather and to keep on the grind.
This is probably just my end of the month rant. The last two weeks of the month are the hardest. It's full of forced positivity, affirmations, meditations, working, working, working, and did I mention working. I then pretend I dont care, this is just life right? This is every month. The mania of the grind sets in, there's a deadline to make.
And then...
Once the rent is paid..
Resting feels like a waste of time. I can't stop. I can't shutoff, cause every minute not working is a potential missed opportunity to get ahead and finally rest.
It's fucked. And then you add perimenopause to the background noise, all while being a Mother of three.
How do I stay above it? How do I breathe again. It's an inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for 8. And repeat. It's miniscule minutes of self-care. Its noting what I can hear, see, touch, smell, and taste. It's counting the baby hairs on my seven years olds forehead. It's taking in someone's smile and incredibly kind words and holding onto that warmth as long as humanly possible. It's laughing like a twelve year old with my twelve year old. It's listening to the oldies with my oldest. It's taking in all the elements. It's photography, it's crocheting, it's tattooing. This is how I breathe.
And if I didn't have that, well, I just try not to think about it. See that's where the gratitude comes in. An immense gratitude and deep awareness of how quick life can change.
An awareness of knowing that while I go through this, someone, somewhere else, needs to know, just as much as I do that they are enough. That it's ok to rest. That it's ok to ask for help. That mistakes are how we learn. That they are stronger than they think. That our brains often lie to us about who we are or how we are perceived. That every second they're sucking in air is another second to begin again.
And so I continue. I continue to reprogram outdated conditioning and try to salvage dreams. Sometimes, I don't dare dream, but then something so beautiful presents itself and reignites my soul and I dream again. Here's to the muses who keep my dreams alive. I photographed one this morning while having a hot flash on my patio. Check it out below...
I hope you dream the best damn dreams that have ever been dreamt. And remember to breathe.
All my Love,
Amber
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