Hey You,
It's 12:14 P.M. and I'm riding the waves again.
If you're currently riding the waves of anxiety. You. Are. Not. Alone.
So, here goes.
I'm a cptsd survivor. For those who don't know cptsd stands for complex post traumatic stress disorder. Meaning the traumas I have experienced overlap.
Anyway....
I'm currently on day three of an anxiety cycle. It feels like these days take an eternity to get through. They usually only last three days to a week at most.
Most days I feel the everyday stresses just fine, but this past week while settling into relaxation mode my body went full fight or flight. The fight or flight, after time to contemplate, brought up some shitty realizations, and know I'm in recovery mode. Lots of cognitive behavioral skills in practice right now, tears are shed when need be, and movements are made.
Honestly movement is the hardest. The concept of movement is not just exercise, but a conscious effort to put one foot in front of the other; to live life. In the beginning days of these "waves," as I call them, every hour is a mixture of mindfullness accompanied by hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts. I am truly grateful for the small, to-tired-to-think moments, that offer reprieve. Those usually happen at night for me and then, depending on the waves of what I'm dealing with, I get a jacked up boost of cortisol first thing in the morning upon waking.
This morning wasn't so bad, then midday hit and I'm back to my mindfulness techniques. My mindfulness techniques are literally me making a mental note of what I'm doing while I'm doing it. I go to wash a dish, in my head I'll say to myself, "I'm washing a dish." If I'm in full blown panic, I'll say to myself, "You're just washing a dish. That's all that happening right now." Does it stop the panic or anxiety in its tracks? No, not often, but it does condition my brain to stay in this moment, which lessens the stress that often leads to triggers, which leads to anxiety and panic. Mending the synapses one mindful moment at a time. Hehe.
So, how then, did I go into fight or flight while relaxing. Its all part of the complexity of my trauma. It's so weird that a simple sentence I uttered, "I'm gonna take a quick nap,"amongst other circumstances of the day, brought back years of emotional neglect and a sexual assault I survived at 14 years old. But here I am 3 days into processing, again, while remaining my children's cycle breaker.
I might not save the world dirrectly, but if I save myself and break cycles of the generations before me....isn't that kinda the same thing?
Anyway, I gotta get back to making the movements of my day.
Remember you're not alone.
All my love,
AW
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