I'm having a hard time keeping faith tonight. I waver back and forth when I feel this desperation to break free from these concrete walls. This materialism feels like a disease and not having anything other than the choices presented makes my skin crawl sometimes. It so goes against everything I know to be true. It's like awakening after awakening brings bliss and a painful sting. I already feel unplaced as it is and now to add this feeling of being herded into a society that just doesn't make sense sends me further down the rabbit hole, trying to find an exit. The fuck?
I know that all of this isn't permanent and that the I that is me is also this energetic source that all things stem from, and true creators. I feel doubt. A lot of self doubt about my power and the power of others. I'm having a hard time trusting my guides. I'm having a hard time believing we are connected. I have to experience that cohesion within first I guess, before I can truly truly know it. Maybe it's just that I lack experience, I'm not practiced enough. And then what? What if I become so practiced that there's no more progression. Would I die? I don't know. Like they say it's all in the journey. If I had it all at once what would be the point? Each spiritual milestone along this path is what keeps me along the path. I worry that I'll run out of time before knowing it all. Fuck.
And then of course I worry I've lost touch with reality? And my anxiety kicks in, because honestly what is real? And what if what I thought was real isn't. That means I can mold it into my own version of real? And this leads me to my next question....what do I want?
I guess I also have to get clear with what I want in life. I know that being a birth keeper is what I was put here to do. It's part of the process of realigning the feminine with the masculine, which is completely off kilter these days. Creating a brighter future by empowering the birthing people bring new futures into this chaos. Giving these new blessings their best start by assisting their most sacred birthers. Then there's my art. My ink art in particular documenting the Matriarch and her role in this new world that is forming and how she's been oppressed and dehumanized by western thought. And then there's song, music, writing notes where words just can't be descriptive enough.
I'm always searching for truths and their untruths. What a weird dichotomy. This duality is so complex it will be my lifetime of discovery. I wish I was more patient. That I didn't waver on hope and faith.
I guess I just have to remember that all we have is right now and that in this moment lies an eternity of knowledge. Wow, I better go to bed.
Quote for the night:
"It is better to travel well than to arrive." -Buddha
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