Addiction is tricky. It's down right sneaky as fuck.
It is, for me, the symptom of something much deeper. As sort of self soothing gone wrong. For a brief period of time, my vice became my leveler. Something that made me feel confident and loved. I felt "normal."
Things I couldn't do before became easy. There wasn't any fear to move through. I couldn't feel the fear. I loved myself. I felt I was more authentic because the fear of being vulnerable was removed.
But as with every high. I would come down. I hated it. I never wanted to come down. I wanted to stay in this space of false balance. Every time I went to my vice it got harder and harder to feel that, as Ed put it,"first time spark." I "needed" more and more until my extremely high usage was just to keep from feeling the effects of not having it.
I no longer used it. It ruled me. So far from freedom. Being a prisoner trapped by an addiction I was losing an inner and outer battle to.
What is the truth? What is the story of addiction? It's a way to self-soothe, at least it starts out that way. What was it in me that needed soothing? I wanted to feel a constant state of contentment. I wanted to feel worthy, normal, loved, and fearless. I wanted to feel like I was beautiful and enough.
Vices, are something in the exterior. Separate from me. I would have to go to it. It wasn't a friend, or an empathic lover, but it was my greatest teacher.
My belief and goal for my life is that I want to live consciously and be self-sustaining in my well being.
I can't do either of those things if I am a slave to my old coping mechanisms. If I must escape to live life, I'm not living, I'm running from life. Life is a duality. No one can escape that. Life is chaos. Chaos at its finest. While it is my emotions that determine whether life is good, bad, or somewhere in between, there are fundamnetal natural laws that don't give two fucks how I feel about life. lol.
So for me in my life, I like to analyze my truths when I come upon a decision I've made or am thinking about making, not overly, but enough to know. I like to know what's driving me and decide.
If I'm not aware it's very easy to make leeway for addiction's sneakiness, which is basically using any excuse to justify using. It's so so so so so fucking easy to do when you're first in recovery and if you take a break from recovery it's right there waiting.
Now for the rabbit hole. Is addiction a problem if I'm not hurting anyone?
I guess my question is what is the price I am willing to pay? What's the expense? What's the emotional toll? What's the maintenance? Meaning is it going to consistently make me feel better? What's the physical toll? What am I willing to sacrifice? Is it worth dying for? What extremes am I willing to go to to have it?
It's not worth losing me, or losing the potential of who I have yet to become.
So I choose to consciously live a life where I am living my truths. No one elses, just mine.
Anyway, I'm typed out.
Time for this Mutha to veg, and not think. lol Here's a song for the night that I super super super love to listen to before bed.
Love you all.
https://youtu.be/1Xddn3kJhhY?si=webH6vKWA0rDtZz5
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