Learning what it means to be humble. Humility is a hard one for me. I acted through my ego for so long. I liked to think that I had control. And getting into the core of my compulsions and why they are there, I've had to get on my knees and surrender the false perception of control. And then in walks humility.
What is humility? For a long time in my childhood I viewed humility as a sort of self-deprecation. I would watch the women who were around me play around with the concept of humility. I was told by someone to be humble meant being meek and silent. I was told by another that humility was like martrydom; I was nothing but some gods proof of exsistence and was to lay my life down for it. It was demonstrated to me that to be humble meant you were weak and in service of others who were not humble. In the churches I was dragged to being humble meant to let go of your pride, completely. I was a sinner in someones eyes, pride would just add to my "sinning ways."
I took a couple of seconds today and really looked hard into humility and how it relates to my compulsive nature. I have compulsions. Very strong ones that I picked up in childhood. If something feels good and makes you feel somewhat normal, you continue and when that something starts to wear off, you find something stronger. My other compulsion is to be needed or wanted. Which compels me to be a chameleon. I can be anyone as long as I'm needed or there's a chance I'm wanted. Today I realized, I'm not exempt from life and it's unfavorable emotions it levies; I'm not in control of anything other than my inner framework and my intention. There was a big sense of humility today when I realized that in stressful situations these two compulsions are my main coping mechanisms. Having humility, for me, is more like conceding to a well made point, understanding that while I know myself, I'm still learning, and allowing myself grace in those moments of learning. Humility also means I'm me, an equal on this journey amongst others on their own journey.
So, in those moments of desperation. I call on my spiritual family to help me reveal those inner truths. I use Chaos Magick to change the programming. And I pick the brains of those I trust and respect. I remind myself to breathe. I remind myself that I am a unique creation of the cosmos as are those around me. I find a mirror and tell myself I love myself and that I'm enough. And then when the day is over I brush my teeth, take my meds, go to sleep, and when the next day comes I do it all over again.
There is hope. Just gotta reach for it.
Love to all.
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