CoDa

It's not that I didn't know I was codependent. I just didn't know what the hell it was called. That thing I do where I want to be wanted, needed, dare I say sought after. I always thought it was really low self esteem, when in actuality it's a lot more like faulty programming I used to survive my childhood. Little me is somewhere falsely declaring the need to be a hero, someone who always helps others, someone who is the glue to someones brokeness, someone who has a healthy solution, someone who would bend their own rules to make others happy.

Ya, I can't fucking do that. My higher self cringes. My higher self, who I'm sure walks the Left Hand Path, has said multiple times, "to THINE own SELF." 

I can see now what my codependence is, why it is, and that it does not define me. It's not been until very recent years that I learned to set boundaries. The easy yes and nos. Not the hard letting go. And now letting go is where I am at. It's not that I don't care about people, it's just that I can't caretake. 

So, this all started, by the way,  on a little outing to the lake. I was out in the midst of a wind storm in the lake. And I called ALL of my guides forward and "prayed" (hehehehehe) asking for help in the next step of my recovery in my cptsd, and wham!

Nervous Breakdown.

I began seeing the patterns. almost like a kaleidoscope of fireworks, igniting with each turn. I've gone through the whole gambit of emotions. Intense saddness, high anxiety, panic, peace, gratitude. It's been a freaking roller coaster. And running into an old narcissistic boss, has not helped. New friendships were sparked where I thought I'm gonna be the person that this other person doesn't believe exists. The best friend that gives the relationship their all. And in the mellow drama of it all, I became addicted to that position. So, much so that I started to lose sight of who I am, and what I wanted. A trauma bond formed and I waited on baited breath to be called upon to help, to be leaned upon, to be told how wonderful I am, and in moments I wasn't told those things, I sunk into depression.

A deep depression. And I would prompt the response I was looking for. 

Not anymore. 

I don't need those chains.

I'm starting to understand, through the guidance of my higher power, how vulnerable and compulsive I can be. 

And, here I sit. Fresh out of a CoDa meeting. This is my seventh day in recovery. My CoDa Recovery Birthdate is August 6th. And I'm looking forward to this new journey of taking care of myself.