CPTSD

 So, I wasn't going to reflect on this too much but I figured someone somewhere could use it. 

I have CPTSD. Complex post traumatic stress disorder. 

I've been through some things. 

This last month I navigated my way through a mental health crisis. And I feel like I should write about it. 

Anything that sparks past events in my life sends me into freeze mode.

If you're thinking deer in headlights, you would be correct. But it's something deeper than just being scared.

It's something that goes a little like this...

I wake up. I'm shakey from my nerves being soaked in cortisol. Memories flood in. I feel like I'm fighting for my life.

(thought trap: Did I get enough sleep? People who don't sleep go through psychosis, some die. Some develop heart failure. My kids what would happen to them if I die. I remember what it feels like being abandoned. What if I go through psychosis? Would I hurt someone in psychosis? Is anyone safe with me.)

(New Programming: Of course they're safe. You are kind and loving and in control and trustworthy.) 

My mouth is dry. I drink water but it can't clear the lump in my throat. I feel sick. My skin starts to burn and waves of chills take hold. 

(Thought trap: Fuck am I seriously going through this again.)

(New programming: Ya you're panicking but it's ok. You can get through it.) 

My heart is palpitating. I stumble to the bathroom.

(Thought Trap: Don't look in the mirror you probably look like one of those Moms who lost it and made the morning news. Or a fat Mexican lady everyone makes a mockery of. Fuck how disgusting. You're nothing.)

(New Programming: You are a wonderfully curvacious Latina and worthy of love.)

I notice the plug is in the bathtub with a tiny bit of water in it.

(Thought Trap: Drowning. Someone could drown. What if someone murders my kids by drowning them. I have to be more careful about checking windows and doors. What if they sneak in while I'm asleep and I wake up to dead children?)

(New Programming: It's a tablespoon of water. Everyone is safe.)

This continues for about 20 minutes. 20 minutes in the bathroom. I wash my hands and force myself to look in the mirror and smile. Avoidance reinforces anxiety.

This example is a real example of what I go through when my CPTSD is triggered from prolonged stress that "reminds me of that one time..." I often fight through thought traps with new programming to continue to finish a task, to get out of the freeze. Many things in my environment will trigger me, and if I get stuck in freeze it takes me a long time to recover from the episode which can last anywhere from a couple days to weeks. 

During these times I have to keep moving. New routines are created to keep me engaged in mindfulness and self care and BAM! After a while it subsides. It's getting easier to handle. Knowing the ins and outs of myself, anxiety and CPTSD have helped me to move through it. It's all about laying down new neural networks. And it's working.

Years ago when going through something like this, I would regress to old coping mechanisms. I would transform into what I was told was safe. I would change overnight. I would become someone others wanted me to be, in order to feel safe, loved, and protected. 

Now, when I feel my most broken, I am still me. I am still me in that moment and nothing needs to change because it's ok to be me. 

Trauma counseling has been huge in this hind brain renovation. lol. So has cognitive behavioral therapy. 

For all those in the throes of it, there is hope.

All my love.