Fear and anxiety. Things produced by a small portion of the brain, no bigger than a peanut.
I've been riding the waves, sometimes getting caught in it's current. Sometimes, surfing above the noise. Employing tools I've been practicing with my Trauma Therapist.
My 4 yr old was admitted to trauma one with a serious chest infection. We stayed in the pediatric ward for almost three days. She's recovered.
My nerves are still frayed from the rush of cortisol that raced through me.
I have nerve damage from a misplaced epidural from the last child I gave birth to so my skin feels like it is on fire when that cortisol pumps through me.
When you go into flight, fright, or freeze, your digestive tract slows. All energy goes to the limbs. There's also an exorbitant amount of muscle tension.
So many things happen within. You feel like maybe you're physically moving to fast, or slow. You're hypervigilant of everything. You feel like you're losing it.
If you're someone like me with Complex PTSD, you're trauma is triggered. Childhood fears present themselves. Night time no longer feels safe. Unpredictability feels like a threat. Hyper aware of every thought you have, you sometimes enter the loop of "what if's."
Dread becomes a thing you have a hard time shaking.
All of these things that happen within the mind and body can be deafening, unless, you accept it.
Yes, I am scared. It was scary as hell. Yes, it does remind me of that time. I feel shitty because I'm exhausted and stressed. It feels like I'm losing it but if I was I wouldn't know it. I'm just here, in this moment, crawling if I have to, towards the next moment. I'm not five hours from now, I'm here listening to relaxing music and not a thing is happening. I can hear the noises of the apartment, the kettle boiling on the stove. I can feel the cool air coming through the open window. I can feel the keys pop a bit, under the weight of my finger tips as I type this. Yes, there's an intrusive thought, do I need water? Food? Sleep? All of the above?
Acceptance.
And dare I say I'm a warrior in this state? Well, I will, because honestly it takes the warrior mentality to walk through the living nightmare of your brain, day in and day out, till you finally convince your hindbrain that you are safe. And man is that one stubborn bitch.
Acceptance, courage, and belief. Such a powerful combination.
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