Accept and Release Geek

 Back to the abyss. Currently recovering from RSV, with an upper lung infection, and a sinus infection. 

Just in the last phase of recovery. Not so bad. I'm up and about.

Sick often brings reflection. This time it brought panic. I wish it had brought something else. I'm feel like I'm climbing the walls. Hopsital for three days with my littlest, then a week at home trying to not get everyone else sick. 

Now that I'm not fully in the sick, previous "healing endeavours" are on track. What's that old saying? If you don't deal with your emotional trauma, your body will. What a fucked up game. Sometimes it feels like playing hot potato with molten lava. 

I've learned to not dive into it. I know the story. I lived the story. I've forgiven myself and other....blah blah blah blah fucking blah. It's there, certain shit triggers it. Convince the brain we're safe. Move on.

Convincing the inner child is more difficult. There's a long lived curiosity in that inner child. What is unconditional love? 

I had a dream once. It was literally me in a house, with parents, siblings, and a feeling. Peace. Contentment, there were no inner storms, just a regular familial pipe dream. It felt like a hug. The most comfortable, natural hug ever. It lasted a day after I woke up. I don't think the intensity of it would have lasted, had I been familiar with this feeling. I get some glimpses of it now with my life. But in my making of myself, it wasn't there in great supply. 

I have to create it. Everyday. And somedays it's a slippery fucking slope. Self care convinces the brain that the body and soul that resides there are important. So, self care is a must. Survival depends on it. Cognitive behavioral therapy with a thought journal keeps the anxiety at bay. Empowering music, inspiring movies, Upworthy Articles, positive language, all the things to keep me creating this other feeling. 

But there are those days when a smile from a stranger, kindness from a kindred spirit, watching friends with their parents, feels so fucking foreign that it feels like having the wind knocked out of me, over and over again. I lose my footing. As crazy as it sounds, it's triggering. Flashback after flashback, not trusting anything, all of it takes its toll. 

Tonight is one of those nights. Curling up on the floor and just accepting is the plan. Accepting and releasing, and lots and lots and lots of Star Wars. Starting with A New Hope. Or maybe The Mandolorian. Or maybe some Star Trek. Voyager or Discovery. Though my favorite trio is Kirk, Macoy, and Spock. Could combine it with some Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity. And like that I'm level again. So glad I'm a geek. Life would be unlivable without scifi and Fantasy.

Ooooooooo geeky tattoo flash....

Sometimes you gotta provide the inner child some play time....