"I don't really remember. I mean I was only four or so." Auntie had just passed me another photo. "You used to wait by the phone, for his call. No one could use it till you talked to him. I had to get call waiting because of you," she said cheekily. She held her hand out, "pay up." We both stared hard at each other. And after trying to keep up with her seriously fake glare I gave her a low five and smiled. Auntie laughed, "That's OK. I know where you live."
I went back to the photo of me and this man I barely knew. I gazed hard at the man's face trying to burn his features into memory. I imagined that day and built my own story around it. I was sitting on his lap he was watching TV and I was looking at him. He would eventually pull me in close and hug me. He would ask me, "Mija, you know I love you, right?" Daydream me would hug him back hard and say, "Never leave me ok?" He would just breathe me in. Daydream dad would realize I needed him and he needed me. Something in my eyes would change him. Seeing himself in my facial features would set him on the path to being clean. He would walk through hell for me. He would fight his own demons for me. If Mom ever tried to hide me. He would fight to be in my life cause I was HIS Mija. I was his very own little universe. I was his mini. And he wouldn't want what happend between him and his Dad, happening to us.
I pinned the photo to the photo board we were making for his funeral. I felt as if someone was watching me. Maybe it was his ghost, I thought with hope. I was disappointed when I looked up and met eyes with my Auntie. The reality set in, he was gone, and so was my wishful daydream. There wasn't that chance. That hope of being fathered died, way before he did. I felt a lump grow in my throat, it ached so much I thought maybe I'd choke on it. Auntie pulled me close, "oh, my mija." She took a deep breath in and kissed the top of my head. I collapsed into her, like a heartbroken toddler. Every part of me shook. It felt like my chest had been clawed open. A heaviness sank onto my shoulders. I couldn't move. I could brealy breath. It felt like my body was purging but all that came out was tears.
After awhile my Auntie squeezed tighter than usual, signaling she was about to let go. I pulled away and righted myself. She handed me some tissue, then got up and disappeared into her bedroom. A couple minutes later she returned with another picture. A barely adult white woman sat next to a little brown baby girl. Smiling at her. The brown baby was smiling back. The baby had a cake in front of her with a big candle shapped into the number one. The candle has just been blown out and on the other side of these two girls was my Dad pretending to take a bite right out the side of the cake. "I saved this," Auntie said. "This one doesn't go on the board. This is yours."
I held the photo to my heart. "Thank you Auntie." Because of her I had a glimpse of what the dream could have been in front of me. And for a split second I lived it. It was mine. "I don't know what I'd do without you." I said to her tearfully. " I try not to think about it." She said with a grin.
She gave a cheeky smile, "You know what you could do as a thank you though?" She asked. I looked at her confused, she'd never asked me once in her life for anything, other than to keep my nose clean and my head on straight. I tilted my head like an expectant puppy. "You could pay me back for the call waiting." She finished as she held out her hand. I chuckled through brimming tears and gave her another low five.
Written by, Amber Walker.
Copyright, Amber Walker, October 23, 2022
All Rights Reserved
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