I'm super bitter right now. I can feel it burning in my veins. I'm acknowledging it's there and working to not over analyze it, but to check in with myself. Ok I'm angry. Have I taken care of this meat suit? Yes, then what the fuck?
I think it's a deep grieving, and also part of teaching myself to accept myself as I am, mixed with some PTSD. It's a difficult thing to learn as an adult, to love yourself. Though my incessant need to survive the early days must have meant I thought I had worth or else I wouldn't have fought so hard.
I have to know my worth to truly move forward. This is my hicupp. No, this isn't a war cry to other warriors to validate me. I do know my worth, but there are these things that happen that trigger what some call PTSD, and blind me to it. The feeling, the sights, the smells, the sounds, all align and my brain goes into survival mode. Somedays being mindful in those moments is like walking through ankle deep mud. I fight for every step, every full breath, every moment I consciously track the tension in my body so it relaxes. I fight for every step forward. Somedays I hit dry land and I'm running. But today I'm trudging through the mud. Acknowledging each feeling, watching as thoughts come and go and not looking back.
So my studies of Philosophy, Herticism, and Druidry are in real world application. Transition and transformation. Breaking apart to create again. Above all breathing and waiting for the storm to settle, while still navigating through it.
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