Becoming a Healer...

 I haven't posted in awhile. I find I go through times of deep contemplation. I guess you could call this moment on sharing me coming up for air. 

I'm living with grief. Accepting it. Riding its waves. It's quite a thing to be aware of, how the mind tries to soothe itself.

It's really jaring actually. I'm more aware of old programming. Remembering the false "comfort" that comes from old surviving vices. Sometimes those thoughts crawl up on me and other times I can see them coming a mile away. 

So, I've been keeping busy creating. Creating things that bring me some sort of comfort, while these waves batter me one at a time. Remembering that while I feel like I'm falling the ground beneath me is still holding my feet, that are holding my legs, that are somehow walking me through this. 

It's comforting to go on autopilot. That somewhere deep in my subconscious my higher self keeps me on track, while parts of my mind comprehend this loss. I feel like I'm half here and half in my memories with my Dad; meeting him for the first time, realizing where I get my differentness from. 

Preping myself, reminding myself that the trigger of being left behind and forgotten is just a feeling and not a repeat event from childhood. Reminding myself that this rearranging of my paradigm, is just that. Reminding myself that while I'm in the darkness, accepting the dark, as days pass and I process this I'll slowly emerge changed. 

So right now I'm keeping it light. I've ironically been making clay owl candle holders. I've also been drawing flowers, creating my own healing. Becoming a healer.