I fell back on the bed in relief. Relief that I was finally alone. I was in the middle of the desert, without a car in the boyfirends family home. It had been a long week of being out looking for jobs, and trying not to be in the way of family who wasn't expecting us to visit, let alone stay in their guest bedroom. I had traveled, what was supposed to be a ten hour journey, to our new "home." It was more like 15 hours given we were on a bus. I was told people knew we were coming, and were excited about us staying with them. What a load of shit.
I paced around the house not sure what to do with myself. The sunlight smacked me in the face as I turned to the east facing window. Nothing but mountains and flat land and then more mountains. It was beautiful but it wasn't mine. I guess I could borrow this view for the time being.
Something in me was unsettled though. This was not my idea, this move. It was his. He hated where we lived. I remember the night he cracked my dashboard in the car. "I'm not fucking staying here. I fucking hate this place. I like you but I won't stay here for you," He cried out. This of course was after he was kicked out of a bar for picking a fight with someone who was drunk and asked me where the bathroom was.
I hated those nights. I never knew what would happen. I just knew I had to be centered and calm. It was shortly after that I lost touch with friends and family. He always knew when I was talking with them cause I was always reassuring them that I was safe. They never understood me and him. And after awhile I let them go. He was right, I thought, at the time. They would never approve of him, and they certainly never approved of me.
I, on the other hand, could see his potential. He was an amazing artist, he was beyond loyal to his friends, he took care of his brothers. He took care of me...in the beginning. It was different now. I could feel something was changing even more than it had before. It felt like I was doing the opposite of growing but I wasn't quite dead. More like a living a slow spiritual death and the potential I saw in him was just that potential that had not been acted on.
I walked to the bedroom we were staying in and grabbed my suitcase. This suitcase was now my life. It had clothes, a wallet, a couple CDs, smokes, and my birthcertificate and social security number. What else did I need really? "Right, a cell phone," I said to myself as the house phone rang.
I hurried hoping that he found something, anything, to reassure his family we wouldn't be here long.
"Hello?" I answered the phone.
"Well, she lives and breathes. I heard you'd finally left your Mom's. Day you turned 18, eh? You didn't even come to visit me before you decided to drag yourself two states away." Auntie Cass said playfully. I chuckled a bit. "Sorry Auntie." I said sheepishly through a strained smile. "Ya, ya, you're sorry alright. Believe me I know." I chuckled a bit more and felt the tension in my back release. This was Auntie Cass, cheeky as ever and always had a way to make me feel better, even when she was giving me shit.
"So, how is it there in the hot cracked land?" she asked.
"I mean, it's alright," I answered. An awkward silence made the buzzing of the house even louder. I thought maybe she had hung up, until she broke the silence again. "Don't ya hate it when nothing is a good as it seems to be? I bought this new garden trall and the bugger snapped in half where the trall meets the handle. I bought that thing for almost the price of gold and just like that, broken." I absently listened. Auntie had a tendency to ramble and half the time I had no idea what she was talking about. "Uh huh, are you gonna return it?"
"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do with it, but I want you to listen. I can tell you're elsewhere. Ok, now are you listening?" She asked almost annoyed.
I stopped fiddling with the kitchen magnets on the fridge, "Yes, I'm listening."
"Good, now pay attention. I'm gonna return them but I'm gonna make sure I go on the right day at the right moment. I'm gonna affirm it now. Creator, give me a sign when it's time to return this trall. Make it so clear I can't miss it. And let it be at a time where that rip off won't try to sell me another one of his faulty tralls."
I couldn't help but laugh. Hearing her on the other end laughing put me at ease. I missed her. I missed her fry bread, I missed picking berries with her. I missed her pinching me to see if I had long johns on when it was snowing. I stifled the lump in my throat that was growing by clearing it.
"Alright, I gotta go. Gotta go to the band office and see what's new. I love you. See you." And just like that she was off the phone and the lump in my throat swelled even more. She never said goodbye at the end of a phone call. She once told me if she said "I love you", and "see you" and then hung up before the other person could, they would usually come visit her. And because of the size of our town, everybody followed up a phone call to Auntie Cass' with a visit.
Hours passed between the phone call from Aunt Cass and the boyfriend coming home. It was almost 8 o'clock when a friend dropped him off. His Dad, somewhere in the middle of the day, had requested his car back, and that left my boyfriend searching for a way home.
He came up the drive way and I could tell he'd had an off day. He gave me a quick kiss and pulled away before I could give him a hug. I didn't react. I just walked into the bedroom and he followed. I never complained about him getting home late or questioned him. I didn't want to end the night with another argument. I felt at peace oddly enough. Maybe I had practiced it so much it just became second nature.
For whatever reason, he decided to grab the phone from the bedside table and scrolled through it. I remained calm he'd done this before, it didn't end horribly the last time, but it wasn't great either. I spent half the night letting him know how much I loved him, even though he was never comfortable saying it back.
He put the phone down and pulled me in close for a hug. He had his arms over mine. He hated being held for a long time and the second the hug lasted more than a minute I knew something was more off than I thought it was before. "I love you. You know that right?"
I looked at him and nodded with a slight smile. "You love me right?" He asked. I nodded and he squeezed my arms so fucking tight I could barely push air into my lungs. When I cried out his lips covered mine and he sucked my lower and part of my upper lips. I tried shaking lose, but he didn't give and things became tighter and more painful. I decided to stop fighting as I started to feel the room sway. He loosend his grip and pulled his face away from mine. "Good," he said.
I steadied myself and remained reactionless, a tactic I used when he was yelling. But this time he wasn't yelling. He was smiling. "I'm gonna make something to eat, do you want something babe?" I shook my head and he disappeared to the kitchen, but not without grabbing the phone first.
I quickly assessed the situation. I needed to see the damage. I grabbed a cigarette and matches, and went to the front door looking into the mirror in the hallway as I passed it. I was bruised in the most obvious way. A big purple blob of skin distorted the shape of my lips. I took a deep breath and walked slowly to the front door. "Going out for a smoke babe." I said gently, trying to cover the shakiness in my voice. He nodded and said he'd be out in a minute.
I stood as far from the door that I could without drawing any attention to myself. I lit my cigarette and tried to concentrate. Fuck, I had one minute. I closed my eyes for a second, but that felt weird so I openned them again. "Creator, this relationship won't last. Please give me a sign when it is time to go home. That sign will be so clear that I can't miss it. And let it be at a time where that man cooking dinner inside can't follow me and everyone involved will be safe. So it is."
I took a long drag off of my cigarette and noticed blood on tip of the butt. "Fuck," I whispered to myself. The screen door opened and instead of the boyfriend it was his step Mom. She lit her cigarette and looked at me briefly then looked away. "Fuck, I'm glad I don't have to work tomorrow." she said.
I smiled and nodded. She looked at me again and took another drag off her ciggarette. "I've got a dental appointment tomorrow. My husbands gotta be at work at 8. Appointments at 8. Think you can drive me. You got your license right?"
I nodded and smiled. She took another drag off her smoke and put it out. "Thank you. Good night."
I went to bed shortly after all that. He came in and crawled in next to me. He pulled the covers off of me and I laid there, it was a dick move he pulled when he was angry at me. I hugged him, kissed him, told him I loved him. I laid it on thick. Until he said, "Fuck ok. Go to bed. Begging isn't sexy." I laid down and waited till he was snoring, and then insomnia kept me company.
The next morning I drove into town with the boyfriend, his Dad, and his Step Mom. After dropping off his Dad, we arrived at the dentists office. We dropped her off, parked the car and took a walk to a corner gas station to grab something to drink. It was quite a ways away. Five long city blocks. Many twists and turns to get there. There was silence between us the walk there and back to the dentist office, but the sound of the city filled it. People called to one another, and horns honked. I looked around hoping to see a sign. Instead I saw the dentist office. "Hey, pass me a smoke," he said breaking through my thoughts.
I pulled out my pack. "Fuck. We're out." I said after covertly openning the pack that now carried my birth certificate, and soicial security card.
He rolled his eyes. "Alright go see if my Step Mom's done, don't tell her I took the car, I'll be quick. I'm gonna get some smokes." And like that he walked away and disappeared into the car port across the street. I went into the building and stood next to a window, watching, making sure he left. After I was sure he was gone, I walked outside. I had no clue where I was gonna go. I just knew I had to get inside somewhere. I started walking in the opposite direction of the way he drove. In such a big city you wouldn't think you'd run into people you'd just met upon arrival. But there was my boyfriends friend and his wife getting into their car. I ran to them waving like I was insane.
"Holy fuck! What happened to your face?" she asked as I reached them. I looked down embarassed and then just felt hot tears run down my face off my chin. She wrapped me in a hug. I didn't even know her, but niether did my boyfriend. His friend had gotten married and had even had kids in the time they hadn't seen eachother. I used this to my advantage. I had to get out of town. "I need to leave. Can you help me?"
She nodded and before I knew it I was in a car headed to the train station which she insisted they pay for. She stood with me while waiting for my train to arrive. The train that would take me to Auntie Cass. The train pulled up and she gave me a big hug. "Us chickas, we gotta stick together."
"Thank you, I'm so sorry." I said over and over, throwing apologies and gratitude more to my feet than her face. She tilted my head up by my chin. "I'm looking at a warrior that just won. Run babe, and don't look back." She hugged me one more time and I turned and walked away. I didn't turn back, I didn't want to go back. I didn't feel pain, well not in my heart anyway. Everyone was safe. I left and when I got onto the train I vowed to myself right then and there that I would take care of myself first, always.
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