I’m missing the sky. It’s smokey as hell outside. Fires in both directions. Air quality is limiting our outdoor activities. It’s a bummer but I understand the gratitude I should feel that my family and I are safe. I would much rather be at the lake. Much rather be star gazing with the telescope at night, outside among the night nature of bats and the random flock of ducks coming and going. There's a little creek outback where beavers swim through too. And the random gang of deer who have taken a liking to our raspberry bushes. The nature is still there it's just the particles per unit in the air keeping us within the box that is our apartment.
It's messing with my Druidic sensibilities. I'm trying to find the message in it. Trying to stay out of it so my lungs don't decide to quit on me. UGH!!!
Fuck. Maybe this somke is teaching me something. The teaching being in the metaphor. I don't like uncertainty. I have to be willing to accept that I won't know anyones unsurfaced intentions. I can make educated guesses based on observations. But really who has the time for that. You can usually tell by how they act, the language they use, and how much they have control over their life, if they are worth your energy.
Anyway, what someone does or doesn't do to me is their decision. I'm not going to play the game of don't get hurt. I will always defend myself but if I don't see something coming then that experience is now part of my life, and while it's not my fault, it will be something I will have to deal with at the time. I know when to vanish from someones life if they cross the line. Not to say that I'm worried just expressing views on revenge.
I feel like I'm grappling with myself honestly. The eb and flow of the rebel and the peace keeper. Can you be both?
What I've concluded thus far is this, I can only look after me and in my manifestation of care for myself the domino effect continues to those around me. This care includes, mastery of self, non-reaction to emotions that arise in me but healthy acknowledgement of them, and a healthy release of them.
Revenge is something that keeps coming up alot in my studies. I'm not of the whole checking my back or avenging misdeeds against me. Who has time for that and isn't that, in a way, fear in itself. "They did this to me so I must do something worse to them," screams many things to the observant. It says, "You hurt me. Your energy is worthy of my time; I must give a show of strength becuase I care what you perceive me to be." It shows you're frightened of societies perceptions of weakness.
The ultimate rising from these lower vibrations of thoughts and misguided actions is in your will, your mastery of yourself, your emotions, your time, and your action. Someones aggressiveness towards you followed by misdeeds are the most primitive forms of communication. There is a lack of precision of mind, and they do not have the courage to say to your face, in the most controlled manner they could, why they were upset with you, or why they hate you. This is a true form of weakness. They had no resolve to master themselves and proceed to voice their complaints. They resorted to impulse and lost control, because it was easy.
Reactionless, calculating in bringing their projection to the light, it's them that they're truly bothered with, and my continuing to choose to look at the situation obectively and with complete control over my reactivity; Is this the rebel or the peacemaker? Or both?
Somethings I think about a lot. Time to veg for a bit. It's good to do after a think.
Athilea Etla Lucem
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