For a long time I based what being feminine was on what was taught to me growing up. Which I expect is pretty natural, ya know learning from your environment? It was all rosy until I started asking question about sexuality.
I was talked to about "it" maybe a handful of times. Each time though left me with something unnerving that made lasting impressions. In a nutshell I was told that because Eve had listened to the serpent we were denied the pleasure of sex, the pain of the period was our payment for our sinful nature, and that women became second class citizens because of the "natural tendencies" to lead men and other god fearing women astray. This was my world until I turned 17. This doesn't mean at 17 I was cured of my programming. It was just the beginning of debunking the bullshit. And holy hell what bullshit it is. I used to hate everything about my body. I mean e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. from my hair, to my smile, to my leanness. My time would start and I would curse Eve. I hated being a "girl." In turn because I didn't know how to love myself, I hated others like me.
I was never close with a bunch of other women. I used to think that makeup, getting your nails done, and hair done was all of the aspects of being feminine. I can pull off a great black eyeliner but other than that I was lost on all three concepts. I was fed up with societies norms, and what my family thought of femininity and beauty. For me I don't need those things, well maybe the black eyeliner. I love me a good black eyeliner, but everything else makes me feel like something I'm not.
Let's not get it twisted, I encourage people to decorate their temple the way they see fit.
I've had to learn to reclaim my body. Being sexually assaulted as a teenager by someone 17 years older than me, had me disassociating with myself for a long time after. The programming I got from my environment had me keeping that secret until I turned 29. And it wasn't until I gave birth to my second born that I started appreciating the processes of my female parts. Not that I ever identified with being a Male or Man I just don't identify heavily with being a girl. I'm down the middle; non-binary presenting femininely. It's a she/they sort of thing. For me it was when I contemplated the idea of holding life within me that I was awestruck with my reproductive system. Being the channel for the source of creation, not knowing but knowing my child, singing to her, cradling her at all hours of the day, loving the unseen, but feeling her move around, get hiccups; I was astonished that in the darkness of this temple grew another, another soul was channeled in, they chose me. What a goddess/god/source/I-am/whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it ability. To give life. To assist in someone's journey into their first breath, their first expressions of pain and joy, their first foot steps on Gaia, re-introducing Gaia to them earth-side, seeing their awe and wonder at the magic of rain, butterflies, first foods. All of it. To live lost moments from my childhood with my kids, it's more than a miracle, it's something ancient and sacred. Being the cycle breaker is a challenge but I'll take it if my tradeoff is watching my kids discover who they are and being a witness to what they create.
Anyway, I've gone on longer than I intended to. So I'll wrap up with this.
Being feminine to me is creating (in any medium), nurturing that creative energy in others, living artfully, witnessing another's creation, collaborating with others, and watching your seed of creativity become something and transform in it's execution, until it is it's own entity.
Here's the kicker we're all born artists with the divine feminine and divine masculine it's just about bring it into balance. Hell you don't even have to have hands or any amount of what you perceive to be "talent" you just do it. Damn brand cliché phrases.
Create something with your heart. Let the Matriarchy rise and bring about that so longed for balance and change.
Always Changing and Learning,
Athilea Etla Lucem
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