Today in my Marijuana Anonymous meeting, the reading hit home. A lot. "Adversity brings awakening, of some sort." I say as the metaphorical jagged pill I'm swallowing gets lodged in my throat. lol. I understand this completely. It resonates on every level of my being. I can't say that I would be where I am today had I not been thrown into complete chaos early on in life. Did it suck? Fuck yes. If I had to would I go back and change any part of it? No, and here's why. I'm ok being at the level of understanding that I am at. This means that at every moment I understand the nature of who I am at that moment. Right now, I'm a warrior. I've gone through many tests and have failed many of them but this spirit of learning, understanding, that awakens me each time is something priceless. It may sound a bit conceited. Let me clarify, I'm not saying "I'm wise cause I learn." Claiming wisdom is a slippery slope and there are no handholds. I'm saying I'm ok with accepting who I am, the darkness of the goddess in me, and the light the goddess that darkness accentuates. Can't have one without the other.
There is no such thing as perfection for me. Perfection is just another word for expectation. I don't believe in becoming perfect. I do believe in accepting the imperfect nature of my being and doing no harm. Harm is tricky so I won't go into it's many layers. I'll just continue with this for now, harm not only hurts others but dims what I have known to be true growing on this path of, dare I say, "enlightenment." I don't like that word. It's been tainted by the masses. Lets use knowing. Knowing has only been tainted a little bit and I feel it can be redeemed here. Damn cults. Anyway, I love finding truths about our cosmos and letting them sink in. That knowingness fills my heart and catapults me forward in my journey. Often times it shatters old paradigms and builds new ones. That kind of spiritual renovation is the epitome of destruction and creation, and is super essential in our cosmic balance. Nothing is permanent.
I would like to give a personal "Thanks," dripped in sarcasm, to Hollywood for their utterly false perception on what awakening looks like. Here's what I look like after every awakening. Laying in bed, usually a mound of, used, tear filled tissues all over and a singing bowl or two nearby, with my little book of shadows opened. It looks like a goddam exorcism. Except there's no priest, there's me and what is within me, the all, the source, everyone else etc. etc. etc. I don't need to go somewhere to find it. I don't need a mass of tools to get me through it. Yes, I use singing bowls because I'm an artist and I have a crazy affinity for sound. I love finding the acoustics of a place and vibrating it with sound. I crave it. My soul heals and is balanced. I'm not even going to get into the math and metaphysics of it. lol. I just love it with all my heart, no need for explanation.
Lets get back to tools. This isn't to say I don't utilize what I've got. I just make sure that when I do go about my business, weaving thought into poetry and action, I use what nature has already given me. I use the earth, water, stone, and air, and if it's urgent fire. Fire, hehehe, fire is tricky. You have to take accountability, responsibility, and be incredibly impeccable with your will. Cause once it's out there once that fire is ignited, you've set something into motion. You created, with intent, the fire, for your ritual and given it purpose, given it a mission, given it life, and for me fire has always delivered. Like I said fire can be tricky if you're not centered and you're kundalini is all outta whack. Know thyself feels like the right cliché for right now. I feel like I could go one forever about the tools I use so I will save that for another day.
Adversity is a necessary part of life. I'm grateful for where I am in my understanding because of it. Cause, once I'm through it and on the other side, dreams are attainable, I am more moldable, and I am someone completely new, for that moment, until that knowingness hits me with something new and the transformation continues.
All of this ironically is being said after having this sort of mini renovation today. Gotta love truth. Where truth it bites, it scabs, and a strong scar tells the story of my personal triumph. :-P
Love to all on this crazy ass journey of chaos, creation, destruction, and knowing.
Athilea Etla Lucem
Post Script: Below are some links to music that have helped....
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